I’ve never lost my licence due to driving over the limit…..but I could have. Some people hit a rock-bottom moment,
and some have near misses. I’ve put myself in many dodgy situations. You could say ‘There but by the grace of God go I’.
I have had a few ‘high bottoms’.
Passing out drunk early during a party hosted at my house (in front of my children), and being carried to bed by my husband. Then vomiting through the bed. No memory, complete blackout.
Passing out drunk at a bar, once again having to be half carried half dragged outside by my husband. Total blackout.
Embarrassing my mother at her 65th birthday celebration, by pretending to be a rabbit and hopping around her bemused guests trying to speak Lapine (like the rabbits in Watership Down). I was 39 years old for God sake! That was a real head smack cringe feeling the next day, but once again, a total blackout. My relatives let me off lightly, by reasoning that I don’t get out much.
I tell people I hardly know really personal things, and then completely regret opening up to someone I don’t trust. Then kill myself with anxiety and regret over it for the next few weeks.
But what contributes most to my high bottom moments, is the voice. The internal monologue that goes on in my head relentlessly.
‘You’re not going to be able to go on like this for much longer, pretty soon you’re going to stuff up and everyone will see who you truly are, what you’re really like, you’re going to have no friends’.
Followed by feelings of dread and shame. Then an overall feeling of anxiety that just will not shift for 5 days. It feels like something is just not quite right with the world.
I want to live a life of integrity, I never want to hear that voice again. I never ever want to experience another blackout. I want to be kinder to myself.